This is hard.
I know it is necessary, but damn.
Bridges calls the Neutral Zone process "disintegration and reintegration", "emptiness and fluidity." A return to the primal chaos. I'm sure there's a Buddhist corollary here but I can't think what it is at the moment.
I am so used to trying to identify my Self, to say "I want," or "I don't want" (which is still sort of reacting to outside influences, or the Ego, I suppose). To just sit and try to be with me, to be quiet with none of that outside stuff, is very, very scary. That other way is the only way I know how to be.
And my old fear, every time I get close to this final, total letting go: that there will be only disintegration and no reintegration. I have tried to control the process every time, and every time it has backfired.
I had a dream the other night of a man floating upside down (feet first) up the stairs and then floating back into standing position once he reached the top. He did this 3 times, without ever going back down the stairs. As if the subconscious was repeating the lesson for me. Like, "See? This is what you do. Got it?"
Lead with the feet - get grounded first. That is the right direction (up the stairs). Then you'll be able to stand (on your own two feet).
I know that this is what I need to do right now. But I have difficulty trusting.
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