I was clearing out old, half-written posts and found this:
I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque (i.e. college) because I was a different person then and now I spend a lot of time wistfully looking at that potential turning point and wondering what I have to do to recreate it now.
I've noticed that sometimes when I've outgrown something but don't know it yet, I'll say the same sort of old, tired, habitual remark that I've said or thought a hundred times before, but as I say it I'll notice that it sounds hollow. Empty. Strange. I realize that I don't really think that anymore.
That's sort of how it is with this and the last few posts.
This sounds whiny to me now. I feel like it's an old voice, coming from the time when I let life happen, when I thought that I didn't or couldn't control or direct anything about my life. And I don't want to be that person any more.
And maybe I'm not totally there yet, but I want to put myself in the place where it feels like I am. The "fake it til you make it" thing. I want to move on.
In my paper journals, this is the point where I would break out a new one, even if the old one still had plenty of pages left.
I might also move the furniture around or, preferably, change physical location entirely. For more extreme changes, I would purge things from the past--music, art, underwear--that remind me of the old way. Perhaps because I'm too suggestible and I don't want to take the chance of revisting and rewallowing.
My 20-year high school reunion is coming up this summer and I'm feeling a bit ambivalent about it. Though I truly care about several of the people and wish them well and am curious about what they're up to, those years were not happy for me. Not necessarily because of them (though I suffered the usual turmoil of wanting desperately to fit in) but because, I now realize, the shame thing hangs heavy over it all. They remind me of a person that I want to move away from, that I do not want to be any longer. They remind me of what I wish I had been but wasn't. Lost chances and missed opportunities. And I do not want to be around that.
It is the same for living here, in my hometown. I came back to heal things. But I've done a lot of that and now, I want to put that behind me and move on again. I want distance and a fresh start.
I suppose its sort of like when an alcoholic stops drinking they can't continue to hang around with the same alcoholic friends because it would be too tempting to relapse. In fact, come to think of it, Penny Drop Therapist once compared personal dysfunctional issues to chemical addiction. They'll always be there to some degree, she said. It's just a matter of managing them.
And now, it completely occurs to me that on the other hand, maybe this energy is perhaps running from as much as running toward. Maybe I could reframe instead? Physical change is symbolic of internal change, yes, but maybe I need to learn how to cement that change within myself too.
On another note, I'm also noticing that the blog has pretty much taken the place of my private paper journal and I'm not sure that I'm happy about that. I find that I hesitate to direct friends to the blog because its so personal, but I also wanted to be real and not feel I had to hide myself. Maybe the hesitation is remnants of shame, too? Or maybe I'm doing too much navel-gazing? Maybe I'm still trying too hard?
Maybe I'm just sick of February. I think I need to get out more.
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