About six years ago when I was living in a city that I did not like, with a job that I hated and which made me ill, I decided that I wanted friends. I didn't have any close ones nearby, I hadn't had any girlie relationships in a very long time, and I knew I needed support.
So I asked for friends. I put a lot of energy into it, did a made up ceremony (as I said, I am no stranger to the Woo) and soon met Sarah and Lindsey.
Shortly thereafter, wanting a big, full, loving, committed relationship I joined a ton of online matching thingeys, made a detailed list of what I wanted in a man in my journal and did another made up ceremony. I went through a bunch of duds and was about to let it go for a while when I encountered the profile of a man with a smile like the sun. Something said, "Just one more." Found out later, he was saying the same thing.
Something clicked. Despite things that normally would have put me off (i.e. suspiciously flowery emails), despite a camping trip from hell way too early in the relationship in which I acted like a total bitch, despite me freaking out and breaking up with him three times, it has worked for 4 1/2 years. It is sort of like we chose each other. And it has only gotten better and deeper and we still choose each other every day.
Also? He fits about 90% of my list. 100% would have been too freaky. 100% and it would be doomed because who could do that?
Anyway, not that I think it was the ceremony that did it. Or the list. I mean, I like the Woo. I use the Woo when it is convenient. But I do not believe in the Woo. What I do believe is that I had to truly want these things with all my heart or else all the Woo in the world wasn't going to produce anything. The ceremony and the list just served to put more of my energy on it, more attention. I had primed myself be open, to know what I wanted and to be on the lookout for it.
Also, these things--friends and a lover--did not scare me. I definitely wanted them, so they were easy to invite.
But with the job stuff, I'm terrified. As if in opening to it I am inviting demons in to possess my soul. I'm not kidding. Its that extreme to me. I am petrified of losing myself.
So even though I say I want it, I am full of avoidance. I'm throwing my energy in 10,000 directions, most of them wrong. Even when I'm ostensibly looking for a "career," it is with things that would seem to provide a way to avoid and hide. And deep down i know they're not good fits, because I keep getting dashed up against them like they are rocks in a swiftly flowing stream.
And deep down I know that hiding + avoiding = not living. And I am so very tired of not living. It saps a ton of energy and wastes a lot of time and causes a lot of misery. Nor do I want to surrender (the other end of my extremist spectrum,) going out when forced as to the guillotine.
So here I am, beginning to prime myself. I must face this, figure out why I am so terrified and question my assumptions. I have got to find a way to believe that perhaps I can eventually "make work work for my life and loves." (Hat tip: V) Because this current state of non-living has got to stop.
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