What I really need.

See, there's the problem that I have been taught not to trust my decisions.  My old story was "I am afraid to make decisions."  But that's only a half truth.  The other half, I'm realizing after a mini-meltdown yesterday, is "I don't trust myself to make good decisions."  So as I realize in this post, I'm always working  damage control rather than conducting preventative maintenance.

And if I don't trust my decisions and demonstrate confidence in my convictions (or even admit to having strong convictions in the first place), then how likely is it that others are going to show unwavering confidence in me either? 

I cow tow and rarely stand up for myself, stuck in an unconscious child/parent pattern that "they," (i.e. anyone other than me, but especially bosses) know better. Because I don't trust myself.

I posted the New Life Plan yesterday, but honestly wasn't entirely feeling it, though I couldn't pinpoint why.  Now I think its because I left out some crucial things that are less..."practical."  Less geared towards money, which I always default to.  I think I got the messaging pretty clear while growing up that nothing matters or is "practical" (oh how I despise that word!!!!!!!) unless it has monetary value.  Which I suppose is not very surprising with parents who were born during the Depression and grew up not exactly poor, but not with very much either.

The first step to having the confidence of my convictions then, might be for me to 1) tell myself that what I need to grow is more important that anything else and 2) honestly ask myself what I need, then ask for it and carry through with getting it.  Stop telling myself I can't.  Because "can't" means "don't deserve."  It means that others' wants and needs--real or imagined--are more important than mine.  And here I need to be selfish for a little while.

In mid-April, after my mom's knee surgery, I'm leaving. 

I need time and space to heal and grow strong.  That UK trip thing from the Plan, but......

.......I need to go to the desert.  Arizona.  It was calling me 10 years ago when I got divorced and I ignored it.  No more.

I need body movement.  So I need to find a good teacher of pilates or yoga or something.

I need to not be intimidated by money.  I know it can be a practical (spit!) worry, but not the way I wield it.  I use it as an inhibitor.  No more.

In summary then.  I need to go to Arizona, find a pilates/yoga mentor/teacher and learn to feel my strength.

Mind you, I have no idea how I'm going to make this happen, as I am not independently wealthy.  But I know that this is what I need and I am now officially asking for it.  As Barbara Winter explains in this post, goal first, funding second.

So thank you in advance,

Stacia

Comments

[V]

'Can't' could just mean, 'I'm not sure how to yet...', and we all have the ability to learn. You've put your thoughts out there and that's a huge step towards making them real. So, congratulations! First step on the road....and nothing to lose by trying even if the plan is reviewed and revised along the way. We sometimes forget to give ourselves credit or the smaller steps on the journey.

In the meantime, a good yoga dvd and a mat at home might suffice until you find that tutor....!

[Stacia]

Yeah, I was thinking after posting that I might have gone a teensy bit overboard with this, but maybe that's just because I'm not used to it yet! Plus I'm afraid that if I stay home I'll just fall back into old routines and not do it. But maybe I have enough conviction behind it this time. The gist of it is that I need to do bodywork and I'm thinking you're right that the dvd is probably a good start.

That is an nice way to look at can't. I'll have to sit with that a bit. I do know though, that when I use the word it often has a lot of guilt attached to it.