Changes (or not)

I am feeling a bit discombobulated today.  A little sad.  A tad drained.  A bit like I want to rip my uterus out of my abdomen with my bare hands and a butter knife because I'm that desperate to get rid of the pain. 

The hurt goes all down my legs, through my joints and into my feet.  When I woke up my Love this morning, I asked him to rub my feet for a minute and they buzzed around for a while.  Literally buzzed, like electricity.  Now I wish I could get him to do my legs, but he's at work so, no.

But it makes me think.  I vaguely remember reading something that Dr. Christiane Northrup wrote in Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom (and I'm paraphrasing because I don't have the book and this was long ago) that the degree of menstrual pain could be relative to what emotional distress a woman had or had not processed.

Now here we go with a bit of woo again.  While I do think that bodies are a kind of machine and are bound to have some faulty wires and parts, and things naturally will break and go wrong and that's just the cards that we were/are dealt, I also think that our mindset has an influence and sometimes emotional issues manifest physically in the body.  Growing up and into my 20's I used to have headaches almost daily.  While depressed I had not a one, and I rarely have one now.

So it's interesting that I have so much pain in my legs and feet.  Instruments of motion, feet symbolic of grounding and personal strength.  Honestly it feels like energy is pooling there with nowhere to go.  And here I sit, feeling emotionally paralyzed when it only takes a few small changes.  A few steps.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I want to move, literally and emotionally.  My body and my house and all the rest.  I feel that I'm on the cusp of something and I will not turn my back on it again.

Monument Valley.  Not Arizona, but close enough.  And look!  It even matches my blog color scheme.  Destiny.

Speaking of butter knives I'm also thinking about my emotional addiction to bread. It's one of those habits that I realize has total control of me.  Being a slave to your compulsions feels very dis-empowering and therefore icky.

When we spent two glorious weeks with my Love's family in Cuba in 2008 I hardly ate bread or any other flour-based food.  Two small pieces with homemade butter in the morning, but that's it.  The rest was loads of tropical fruit and avocados, tons of beans and rice, syrupy Cuban coffee and way more pork than I could handle so I often passed on that, especially if it was fried.  Some guava pies and fried sweet plantains, but that was it for desserts.  Many Cuban desserts are cold and custard based, which I don't much care for so no temptation there.  Good chocolate and ice cream are hard to come by.  And really, the sheer variety of fresh tropical fruits, many of which I'd never tasted before, made any other sweet craving obsolete. 

Fuzzy picture of my Love doing the pig carving honors in Cuba

Whether it was the change in diet, the novelty of travel, or that my appetite shrunk out of excitement and the August heat I don't know, but in one week I began to feel lighter and cleaner somehow, and by the time I came home I had dropped back down to my mentally unstable, pre-move anxiety weight.  (When I'm anxious, I actually eat better and less.)  All my big-girl clothes are this size because that's the last time I had a job that required them.  Now I'm back up to where I can technically still wear them, (and I do because I'm not buying new when I don't know what sort of job I'm going to have) but it's not attractive and actually is rather uncomfortable.

But this is not just about weight, because I'm talking a fluctuation of only about 10 pounds here.  Plus I eat pretty healthy at home, too, having slowly changed my diet over the years to weed out what made me feel yucky while slowly incorporating more of what made me feel better.

But I know I would feel even more better if I were to tweak these last things which are the hardest:

• cut down on the flour (dare I say, eliminate?  Gasp, shudder.)
• cut out the fried eggs in the morning
• eat lots more fruit
• cut out the sugar in my tea -- as much as I drink this adds up to way more than you'd think
• decrease my wine intake and food portions -- I eat past full.

This is not about achieving a certain number on the scale, or looking skinny, or getting into a smaller clothing size (though I'd like my pants to fit.)  It's about what everything else in my life is about right now: self-discipline, self-control and self-determination.  Being captain of my own ship and all that. 

I know--deeply know--that if I tweaked these last few things in my diet AND developed a steady routine of bodywork that my worldview and therefore life would change drastically.  And now, with no job to suck up my time and attention, is the perfect time to do it. 

The best way I know to kick myself in the ass is to pick up and leave.  (Thus the Arizona post.)  I have a really hard time altering time-worn patterns and my comforting routines while still in the same environment.  I love the newness, the exploration, figuring things out, seeing different things, establishing new rhythms.  Physically changing location shakes me awake, helps me see things differently.  It's why I love to travel.

And it does work for me.  Each time I've moved over the last 10 years, I have effectively sloughed off old behaviors and ways of thinking.  I don't just fall back into doing everything the way I did before. 

Maybe its just the sensation of my life force draining away today, but I'm feeling stuck, stuck, stuck and tomorrow is my birthday and I want to feel the dawn of a new era.

Over the red desert rocks of Arizona.

Ok, still Utah and not Arizona, but whatever.

Comments

[V]

I hear you! Bodies are strange things and particularly the emotional upheavel that comes with being a girl. Blasted hormones....

Hey, remember, one step at a time. If you worry about changing it ALL now, it's too much. There's no rush. Why not poached eggs for breakfast or eggs at weekends only? Then in a couple of weeks, you'll be ready for the next thing on the list knowing you have a success under your belt....you CAN change and grow without changing your location. Keep writing your new story.

I hope you do something nice, anything no matter how small, for you tomorrow.

Happy Birthday! Vx

[Stacia]

But V, hitting the open road is The American Way! :-)

I know what you're saying though, and its true. I just get frustrated when I'm ready to "get moving" and I feel thwarted. But just writing about this got me off my butt despite the aching abdomen to clean and toss some things out and I feel better. And I'm going to hard boil the eggs tomorrow morning! Small victories.

I'll report on birthday activities soon, and thanks so much for the good wishes!

[Lindsey]

I have your birthday right next to Bugs' on my calendar! :-) I love both of you! And remember when one of you peed on the other!? I won't give a way whether you were the pee-er or the pee-ee.

I gave up dessert for Lent this year (i.e. cake, cookies, ice cream, chocolate, candy, etc.) I've allowed myself to have hot chocolate if I want it though, since it's sweet, but does not qualify as an actual dessert in my book. I know what you mean about feeling lighter and cleaner! I mean, my actual weight really hasn't changed, but I swear I feel DIFFERENT. I think small victories are the way to go...hard boiled eggs sound good!

This year is going to be a great year for you...I can feel it!!

[V]

Sounds good! Hope you have a great day x

[Stacia]

Thanks Linds, I feel it too. Apologize to Bugs again for me - I was just so excited to see him, I couldn't help it!

BTW - FAIL! What was I thinking changing routines on my BIRTHDAY?!?!?!?

Of course that excuse is only good for one day.

[Patty]

Hi Stacia

So sorry to hear about your pain. Even though it's been 15 years now, I know that feeling only too well. Your description takes me right back to it. So I'm sending virtual hugs and hot water bottles if you'd like them.

Hope you're feeling better today and that you have a wonderful birthday. And yeah, routine changes can wait. Have some fun.

[Stacia]

Thanks so much Pajama Patty! I feel like such a whiner after reading your post -- I think I'd rather rip out my uterus than attend a conference in my pajamas though. :-) Seriously, I'm still in awe that you did that, ending up with such a positive experience to boot.

[Vextasy]

Assuming you drink white tea, a good way to
make it easy to cut out the sugar is to
start drinking it black. You've said how
much you love your tea so, perhaps, that's
not an option - but it worked for me.
What is more, I think the milk masks some
of the tea flavour - just an opinion.