FAIL.

I had fried eggs this morning.

No excuse for it.  I woke up at 4 a.m., after getting up to go to the bathroom and then falling over my dog in the dark.  Both of these things are very bad omens.  If I get up at 4:00, then I am upset about something.  If I fall over the dog it is the cherry on top of the upset sundae. 

Then I lay in bed for an hour, painfully awake, all blocked up in my psyche and turning myself in knots, so I got up and I caved.

"This will make me feel better," I said to myself and maybe to Invisible Viggo Mortensen too, though I think he probably was still asleep at 4 a.m.  

"Oh go ahead.  Who cares, really?" I whispered, so as not to wake Invisible Viggo.  "Gooey, runny egg yolks are a panacea after all.*   Just eat them.  Then everything will make sense."

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha.  No.

My Love on the Mayan ruins in Honduras in a "I'm King of the Mayans, bring me slaves to sacrifice" pose.  But I'm reclaiming it today as "Why, oh why, oh why? Why, oh why? Oh, the humanity!  Make it stop!  Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!" 

Things swirling in my head at the moment:

• My writing voice and how I declared with such vehemence that "I am not a writer!" but then sometimes think, well, maybe I am.  Just not when I feel pressured.  Which is pretty much all the time.  So, I'm not a writer.  But I am.
• Priorities in my life, for myself.  And how I keep going in circles.  Are you getting sick of this yet?  Because I so am.
• The pursuit of "Lifestyle Design" and perfection.
• Being genetically socially inept, goat-girl that I am.
• My discomfort in the face of uncertainty and making decisions.
• There is the neutral zone and there are new beginnings.  There is thinking things through and not thinking enough.  Borders? 
• What, exactly, constitutes a "rash decision?"  Is it rash if you've been whining thinking about it for months, but have only just come to a conclusion?  Or is it rash because you have no other justification for it than "I want to.  I don't know why, I just do.  And I'm hoping it will lead to something that I can't predict right now." 
• I keep waiting for conviction, but perhaps one needs to cultivate, or maybe even go out and find conviction?  Or just recognize it when its already there?

The eggs aren't working.  I need commiseration.  Anyone else got something you can't seem to get resolution on?  How are you working on it? 

*What?  You didn't know?

Comments

[V]

Re •I keep waiting for conviction, but perhaps one needs to cultivate, or maybe even go out and find conviction? Or just recognize it when its already there?

Just a quick commet as rushing - listen to what you don't want, that's convicton as much as any!

And we all need a day off resolutions....if you're making it most of the time, it's 'win'.

Hope your day improves x

[Stacia]

True that, about listening to what you don't want to find conviction! Good point.

And now that I've found it, I want to move on. I put way too much energy into 1) what I don't want, and 2) false (yet permissible) ideas of what I think I want, while - let's be honest - I'm afraid to go after the real stuff and that's what's been frustrating me to no end and making me bored with my own blog. In a way its not fully me. I'm (still!) focusing in the wrong direction, pushing with all my might against a brick wall and wearing myself out in the process. Because that's what's familiar maybe? Or probably because I think that the other way isn't allowed.

Thanks as always for reading and commenting V, I do appreciate your insight! And thanks for letting me off the hook on the eggs. ;-)

[Simple in France]

what's so bad about eggs anyway? it's not like you ate 12 doughnuts or something . . .

[Stacia]

True.  Mainly its the fact that it was a goal, and a fairly simple one at that, and I didnt last longer than a few days.  Also, the difference between wanting something and not doing it.  I have high cholesterol at 37, a family history of heart disease and also they make me feel icky.  I dont like that its something I want to change, but never do, strictly out of habit and compulsion.

 

On the other hand, if Im stuck in it, then maybe thats not really the thing that I want most to change.

 

Maybe Ill switch to doughnuts.......

 

P.S.  I really enjoy your blog, though I havent commented yet.  French is my first love, and Im learing a lot about alternative ways to do things from you and your readers.  So, thanks!