Image: Mine, Pinar del Rio, Cuba, 2008
I have been chasing various forms of escapism, avoiding out of ignorance the core issue which would make escapism unnecessary - passivity vs. strength.
Inner strength has never been part of the story I told myself. And because I didn't think I had any, I didn't think that it was truly possible to grow. How can you work a muscle that isn't there?
Which is why I resorted to escapism. It seemed like my only option was to find a job that would allow me to hide (like the Job I Loved) or, even better, be a stay at home housewife which would let me out of it altogether.
But as I've found out from my time of unemployment, I'm not truly content with that option either. It still allows a fear to lurk deep down and eat at me (what if my Love is no longer there for some reason?) and that makes me feel weak.
I do not want to live in fear.
I have been struggling and flailing with the job stuff because of the simple fact that right now there is no answer. No job is going to be right until I begin to tip the scales from passivity to inner strength. Because until then, every consideration is colored by me secretly wondering if this line of work will keep me safe. Answer: No, it won't. With that as the top criteria, my results are inevitably skewed.
Passivity makes others' lives less complicated, which was my goal as a child. I didn't want to do anything to further upset two already very upset people, especially since I now realize I thought that their unhappiness was my fault. And (if I might invoke the woo) couple that with the fact that I am a Pisces, a tribe to which passivity comes naturally.
Of course, eventually I resented and resisted passivity, while still unconsciously feeling that that is what I needed to do to keep myself safe. Enough to turn anyone in internal knots. Somewhere around ninth grade I began to feel very angry, which is why my mother and I rarely had a civil conversation until I was out of the house and why I still have trouble being around my dad. That's why I'm still not content in my unemployed state and probably why I hate work so much.
As an adult in the job world (which is where I have the most trouble), passivity allows you to be taken advantage of (like an incident yesterday, which I may recount in another post). More significantly, it can lead to an inability to make decisions. Not a problem on an assembly line or in some form of production work (like Job I Loved!) but problematic in any jobs that involve thinking (like all the other jobs that I've had.)
Passivity aside, I think that the options I've already considered -- domestic goddess, self-employed artisan of some sort, freelancing -- are still probably the best fit for my personality. I just have to accept that the path to whatever I eventually choose is going to be longer than I had hoped and I must be patient. Accept that I have to go through these things and I know it will be better in the end.
